In the bargain of life!

Sheila and Arjun have been in love for two years. They had met by chance. As all love stories have some drama in them, they had their share too. Sheila got her eyes fixed on this guy while crossing a road. She didn’t know why? She bashed herself slightly, smiled and moved ahead.

But it didn’t stop as it never does, the chain of co-incidences and ‘chances’. The obvious things in life are so fascinating. It is obvious that the person whom you eventually fall in love with either is a friend, often a stranger initially, or someone you never expected that would fill that position, but when you eventually fall in love and start doing all those things that you once thought were ‘stupid’, it so fascinating. It feels larger than life...Isn’t it? We don’t realise but it is the obvious things in life that have the biggest emotions of life stored in them, the biggest happiness, biggest surprises and the worst sorrows of life.

Sheila is an ‘Indian’ girl. I am sure there is new ‘breed’ of women which is evolving, who are a complicated-hard to understand mix of values, ideals and principles. They are modern in their ways and so ‘old’ in their essence of love. It is not them but the categorisations of the society where they no more fit into.

Arjun loves her. He found all that he wanted in Sheila. Initially her name sounded old fashioned to him, but soon her persona superseded her name, now he finds it, as he says’ ravishing’!

Their story seems perfect. No clashing ambitions and thoughts, no conflicting principles with families that can be persuaded. But something has to go wrong, that’s how love is, life is....!

Sheila finds out after some medical tests that she can’t conceive, the walls of her uterus are weak to conceive a child and this is a problem that she had inherited, her mother had similar issues and she was the only child her mother could have.

The news is broken to Arjun. After the hours of silence, sobs and broken breaths, the words spill out of her mouth, in that cafe where they always sip coffee at odd hours. He is shattered after listening to the news. He wants to console her and stop those tears but he just doesn’t find the strength to do so. His dreams are shattered. He had dreamt so many times of their kids; how would they resemble them inheriting the best of their abilities and features. All is over. His love can’t conceive, and he doesn’t know how to react. He takes a deep breath and takes her hand into his and looks deep into her eyes. He wants to tell her that he still loves her. A tear rolls down his eye.

For the first time in two years, Sheila finds the bright face with those brown eyes have a sparkle of tear in the eyes, a tear that rolls down his rough cheeks.

A silence follows. They both are going through the same emotion, inflicted by their own misery but terribly concerned about each other. Sheila’s face has turned red and Arjun looks pale and blank, but their hands still holding each other.

After few minutes of silence, it seems that the emotions have calmed down and there is a strength that is flowing in the air between them. They exchange a look.

Arjun asks in his usual tone-“Coffee..?”

Sheila nods.

He calls the waiter and orders for two. Sheila loved to see him when he used to call the waiter. There was a charm on his face, an authority in his voice that she secretly admired, but always complained and resented about. Sheila gently smiles in her heart when she looks at him even in this horrible moment.

The coffee is on the table.

Arjun loves it when Sheila bends down to have the first sip. She is usually clumsy and desperate to have the hot sip of coffee. She will not hold the cup, but bend down holding her deep necked dresses and making sure she is careful about the hot cup.

Today her nose is red as she has been crying for a long time, face flushed and she might be broken inside, but the moment coffee is on the table, she does the same act with some gloominess on her face.

Arjun relishes her sight.

A moment strikes, as if both realised something. In spite of all the impossibles that are facing them today, they still love each other. Even in the most horrendous moments, they can stop loving each other. A smile follows with some tears.

They finish the coffee, get up and go for the walk on the silent road where they always strolled after the coffee. This time there is a suffocating silence.

Sheila breaks the silence, “I can understand if we can’t be together for life, I know you loved me and still do and I will always love you, but it’s ok if we can’t marry as we planned to!.”

Arjun takes a pause for a minute; Sheila has echoed the doubts that were flowing.

“Look Sheila, I am not the greatest guy in the world with a magnanimous heart.”

Sheila is scared.

Arjun continues,“ But I don’t understand, why we shouldn’t be together for life as we planned to. Today when I think about you not being able to conceive, it’s not our emotions that bother me, but honestly the society, mom-dad and all the people whom we say don’t matter, their opinions and criticisms flood into my brain. So what exactly bothers me is how we will fit onto this world.”

Sheila doesn’t know what is to come. She is puzzled- “Arjun, I can’t understand you!”

He stops turns towards her, holds her by her shoulders and says for a minute forget your reports and answer me, do you still love children and can you still love them as a mother?”

Irritated and hurt by his question she answers, “how does it matter, I can’t have my own.”

“Sheila, a child, is a child is a child, I am asking the woman inside you, can you still feel what is being like a mother?”

She doesn’t like the categorisation of a ‘women’s’ heart.

She answers, “Obviously I can. Every girl can and Arjun it is not just about a girl, every person be it a man or a woman has certain feelings towards a child-to love, care and nurture, even before they are born.”

Arjun looks assured, “So you know that parenthood is a feeling.”

Sheila is getting irritated.

“What do you mean Arjun, either you accept me or you don’t, please don’t put these riddles.”

Arjun smiles, “ I always said, you can’t conceive but can still be a mother.”

She is surprised,“ You mean we adopt a child!”

Arjun nods.

She gathers her strength and continues, “Arjun, I am proud of the fact that I love a person like you, but you are bias. It’s your love that still wants to hold me and not let me go. We can fight with the entire world and the society together, but a point will come into our lives where this emptiness would resonate and you will start blaming me for it, love will fade away, and I never want that to happen, it is worse than our parting.”

Arjun looks more confident, “I began by saying that I am not the most magnanimous or the greatest guy in the world. Why should I annoy my family, my relatives and the society and leave some desires of the life unfulfilled...why....just because of you?”

Sheila is freezing. She is repenting that she tried to test him and express her doubts. She regrets her thoughtfulness.

Arjun continues,”...No is not because of you, not just our love also a part of my life that would go, as you leave my life. My ability to stand for my thoughts, ideas and beliefs and the innocence that we have in this relationship, once lost can never be found back in life...It would all go..If you leave..! it’s the test of time and it is not our love or you that I need to be faithful to, but in this bargain of life I can’t let go my happiness , love and a part of me that I respect myself for.

Another doubt follows , this time she means it and is convinced, “but a day would come, you will taunt me, snap at me and despise me because of that emptiness and what if the worst fear comes true, what if the child that we eventually adopt turns out to be someone who doesn’t care about us”

Arjun takes deep breath, “That is a strong possibility which can be true even if we had our own children, and yes a point will come in life when that emptiness supersedes me and I can’t think beyond it, I will blame you, curse you and will try to be away from you...........”

He stops and gives her a stare, smiles and asks her..”SO WHAT?”

Shields clutches him badly with tears rolling down her cheeks and says, “And in those days, in those times I will remember all the moments that you have loved me and cared for me. I will take a deep breath, close my eyes and remember this day and this moment and all the time we have been together. I will remember that it is just a phase and it will pass and I will patiently wait for the time to pass and for our love and affection to be restored.”

Finally, the words of wisdom from Sheila’s mouth, she is crying and hugging him tightly on the green pavement of the quite street. It’s now 11.00 PM and she can hear the sound of a guard approaching.

Wiping her tears she says, “Look I don’t want to bribe him”

A smile bursts into the moment. There is warmth, love and affection that can be felt.

With the arms around her, and her head resting on his shoulders, they start walking on the long silent road......